Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
