You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize