my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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