Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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