I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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