1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
