I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
