I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
