Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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