come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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