I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
