i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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