well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
