You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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