Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
