it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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