Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize