But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize