Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Randomize
