Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
