Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
