If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
