i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
