We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
