Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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