He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
