you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
