I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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