I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
