i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Couch. On fire.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
