She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
