He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
