You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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