Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
