Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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