so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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