You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
