Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
