Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
