I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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