I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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