the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
