Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
