Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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