what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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