I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
