she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
