the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
