If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
