Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
