I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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