Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
