That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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