My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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