so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
