I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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