I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Bring me that man meat
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
