Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
