my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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