What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
