It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
this boner is exhausting
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
